Monday, 29 July 2013

Pre 1st week detox

So having restarted my weight loss journey again for hopefully the last time I've decided the way for me to go having exhausted most other possibilities is clean eating.  It seems to me to make sense - eliminate most processed food.  It means removing wheat/gluten, dairy, sugar/sweeteners, caffeine and alcohol plus anything used to process food like E numbers etc and initially seems incredibly daunting an idea (quite honestly how do people live without cheese!  Its like living without shoes-technically possible but slightly uncomfortable and bound to make you grumpy) but with some thought I've decided I can manage it.  There is some allowable dairy (Cheese Lite) and I've even had a bash at making my own chocolate (form an orderly queue by the kid's cash register for I am planning a Thorntons takeover any day now).  Plus the idea of 'clean' eating of any form is perfect for a person with OCD, much better than slightly grubby eating and therefore it pleaseth the mind goblin.

I'm currently on a pre diet detox. I am hoping by tomorrow my Juice Plus shakes will have arrived.  I did think they had come earlier but turned out to be more toy car parts for Mr J and, despite a gestapo like interrogation of Mr Parcel Force Man, the shakes proved to be non forthcoming.  Once they do I will switch from detoxing to two shakes a day plus a clean evening meal and clean snacks. I think it was the idea of snacks plus the allowed 'cheat snack' and 'cheat meal' per week that finally swayed me this way knowing that if I am hungry I can still eat and I have something to look forward to as well.  If I try other plans that deny me this I get quite 'hangry'-Maoribadger in a food rage is not a pretty sight, I tend to throw my weight around (and thats an impressive feat!).  But for now am merely eating clean until Mr Parcel Force Man makes his trembling way up the path to my house to deliver the slight frazzled looking mad woman her box of shake powder.

So I've been and done the inevitable reshop (its like normal shopping but with the added zealotry that comes from the initial days of a new dietary plan and always looks very virtuous as it passes through the till meaning you can hold your head a little higher than the days you slink past Ms Asda with a metric tonne of M&Ms) and stocked my cupboards with plenty of 'clean' treats (seeds and nuts aplenty).  I've acquired a notebook to log my progress and keep a food diary as I have found that really helps. I've also done my measurements and taken the 'photos of shame'. And for the 1st time am going to share them and my long term goal to really shame me into total honesty.  The photos of shame remain in a locked vault made of kryptonite guarded by Cybermen.
 
Height: 5-3 (95% of this being attitude)
Weight: 17 stone 11.5 lb / 249.5lb
BMI: 44.2
Body Fat: 46%
Size: 22
Waist: 45in
Hips: 55in
Under Bust: 40in
Over Bust: 48in
Butt: 52in
Right Thigh: 31in
Left Thigh: 30in
Left Arm: 16in
Right Arm: 16in

My Goal: To lose 110lb/slim into a size 12 by 2014 with toned and defined muscles.  I am doing this because I want to wear nice clothes and feel girlier, be able to look in the mirror without cringing and mostly to play with my children.  To do this I will give up regular takeaways, work out 5 days a week, follow the plan and not give up after 2 weeks or let anyone get in my way ESPECIALLY ME.

To facilitate this I have reshopped, I am in the process of joining a new gym (the last one closed after I'd been there 3 weeks - way to make you paranoid) and have bought myself  a vibroplate, a rowing machine and a mini stepper to go with my kettle bell and fitness DVDs to form a not too shabby home gym. Now to overcome my 14 day plateau!

And thus far am 5 days in and totally enjoying myself.  The hardest fight for me has been giving up my caffeiene habit.  Reduction from over a litre of carbonated fizzy pop a day to zero has left me with headaches that leave me fully convinced there is a small gnome hiding somewhere who likes to an axe between my eyes at 3am.  However, I've medicated the little fecker into oblivion with nurofen and am travelling on with no caffeiene.  A little tired maybe but thats par for the course with my medication anyway and certainly doesn't seem any worse than usual but in terms of food I don't feel deprived.  Pancakes, burgers, chocolate, sausages. It all seems possible and pretty tasty too. I've even weathered a bout of gastroenteritis and managed to stay clean and not resorted to my usual feeling sorry for myself diet of full fat coke and wispa.  Apparently they aren't obligatory-who knew!

And in myself I am already feeling a difference.  Sleeping better and waking more refreshed with a lot of those little niggly aches and pains you take for granted seemingly vanished into the ether.  I feel less bloated and noticing my reflux not at all.  So my journey is started and I hope you might want to walk a while with me (it'll count towards a workout!) and keep me company as I find out who is actually hidden underneath all this blubber.  Its going to be a long but fun ride

This time I mean it (again)

I feel like I should be wearing a nametag to write this blog. I picture myself sitting on a hard plastic, probably child sized chair in a circle in some school gymnasium or assembly hall. Clearly this particular meeting would involve reinforced chairs of course meaning the school possibly has a questionable PE policy.  So...Hello my name is Maoribadger and I am a serial dieter. (I was once a cereal dieter but that was an entirely different week!)

I've been on a 'plan' of some form or another since I was probably 16 now. I remember noticing I was big at that age. In all honesty I was a size 14 and not huge but as a teenager you notice that difference and for a kid who was never that gregarious or popular the last thing you need is a big ass. So I dieted. Over the years I have made friends with Dr Atkins, Rosemary Conley, Ms Slimming World, had a brief flirtation with Master Weight Watchers and pure and simple calorie counting. I have drunk Cambridge milkshakes, I have drunk Slim Fast milkshakes (as far as I can ascertain thats Cambridge Smart Price), I have eaten whole panfuls of cabbage soup and I have probably spent way more on clearing my cupboards and reshopping for each new one than reasonably makes logical sense.  I have taken tablets that absorb fat and eaten too much fat on them-a gastric experience not to be repeated.  I have bought wonderous pills and potions from Holland & Barrett that promise fuzzily that you they 'may' help with weight loss. And it could happen. In the same way that one day I 'may' be an olympic hurdler.

 I am the most dedicated amazing dieter you have ever met, I ooze enthusiam for my plan of the moment and am sure its the key to a skinny future...for 14 days. Then I have a tendency to drop off the radar and instead of a  little jaunt off the dietary track I promptly take a right into the jungle and wandering off whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy while trying for a new world record on Reeses Cups cosumption.  (Actually Im not sure I should joke about that. I have deep abiding concerns about levels of peanut butter cup toxicity).  Yet here I am 18 years later. Not every diet I have been on has led to me adding to the ever burgeoning profits of the Cadbury corporation within a paltry 14 days.  I have actually lost large amounts of weight prior to now and stuck to a few plans for extended periods of time.  But each time I've gained it back and, feeling extreme guilt at my wanton abandonment of my excess stones, gained them back some friends to keep them company.

 And I am fat lets be totally brutally frank here. I am not chubby, I am not curvy, I am not big boned. I am fat. And more to the point I am fat and really really tired. Because each of those plans doesn't get to the root of whats bothering me and why time and time again I fail til it feels like a war I am not going to win. And so last time around I set out doing my blog to try and keep me honest and log my journey.  And it did help the times I wrote it, both mentally and emotiionally.  So it seems right that, starting for the last time (again) i fire up my fingers and get to tapping.  But last time  I was guilty of allowing my blog to become comedic - entertainment as much as reflection -  which is fine except I stopped writing it eventually when I realised I was starting to fail and so never really owned up to the fact I failed, just lifted the rug and quietly brushed it underneath (ssssh now, keep quiet and I will throw in a Fry's turkish delight poor battered little conscience). I was too ashamed to admit to it so publically and couldn't really find a way to make light of what was in my head so didn't think it would be that great for public consumption -  really who wants to read angst over comedy.  And so eventually I petered out again.  But the yearning to lose the weight never went away and the want to share my journey with others who can keep me on track remains as strong because, to be honest,  as tired as I get of fighting my weight I get more tired still of failing.

The truth of it is, and here is where the name badge comes in handy, is that I have a real problem with food.  I don't smoke or do drugs, I rarely drink.  Food is my drug, it is my vice.  Combine that with my OCD, mental health and control issues, throw in some chocolate (and possibly some sticky backed plastic and pipe cleaners because they always turn up don't they) and you have yourself a freshly baked Maoribadger, over eater extraordinaire.

I don't know how to not 'eat my emotions'. When I am happy, when I am content, when I am tired or unhappy, when I am lonely, when I am depressed, when I am angry or when I am bored I crave food in a powerful physical way. Its no idle fleeting thought it is literally an overriding urge that makes it hard to concentrate on the other things going on around me. All I can think in that moment is how much better everything would be if I could just eat something sugary. And just one small piece usually will not do it. And so I often give in. And afterwards I am so incredibly confused. Because I do feel good. I have satisfied that overwhelming urge, that almost shove I am getting in the back and feel like I am back in control of my own mind. But around about then thats the last thing I want as I am mentally feeling like I am a complete and utter failure. I tell myself I am greedy for the amount I have eaten and I am stupid for giving in to the compulsion and I am destined to be fat and unhappy about it and the worst of it being that thats my on fault for not being a stronger better person. Thats just a downward spiral.

So here I am. Wondering if food addiction actually constitutes a genuine problem or I am actually just that weak willed and greedy person I often think I am.  The truth of it is sometimes the journey to lose weight feels insurmountable. I can diet, I can even lose weight. I have done it before and I can do it again. But it doesn't end there does it? Sooner or later it creeps back in. And so if I am being totally honest with myself I am never going to not be this person. I can get as thin as I like I am never going to be able to stop sitting on my own shoulder watching myself. Thats not how it works. I feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life fighting my own urges now. Never able to be free and eat unthinkingly because I know once I relax I allow the demon back in the room. And I guess thats whats making me struggle the most and is what makes me slip off my plan over and over and OVER again. To know that from now to the day they wang me over the side of the boat (buried at sea sounds fun) I will forever have these feelings. And sometimes I think the fact I know that, that I can spend maybe the next year or two steadily losing weight only to find its not the end of the journey, its just the start that makes me worse. Because if I am going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this why not get the payback at least of the 5 minutes feeling good. And I think thats why I struggle and I fall off the horse - I think of life forever having to be my own self censor and that just feels so overwhelming I give in.

So I am having to write this for a multitude of reasons. First I have to admit that the problem I have with food is there. Otherwise its the ghost in the room. I can sense and feel it but until I acknowledge it I cannot start to banish it. From there I am going to have to admit to myself that actually, its probably never going to be genuinely banished. I can lessen it or make it go away for short periods of time but I am always going to have this problem. When I read an article on habit formation and learned it takes 69 days to change a habit during my last blog I think I allowed myself to think I genuinely could make that change. But whilst I can build up good habits and find distractions and other ways of dealing with my emotions if I allow myself to think I have solved it I let the demon back in unwittingly. So I have to admit that I have a lifelong battle in front of me. Having made that admission though I have to ask myself is it a battle thats worth it.

It is. Eventually. I know of all my reasons for starting this and I keep them on here to read again. And maybe I need to print it out and keep it somewhere safe for everytime the demon comes knocking. Because on many days I am going to feel like this journey is a mile too far. That to take a weightloss trip of 7-8 stone and only find myself at the start line is just too painful and it might be easier just to give in. But where does giving in leave me? It leaves me believeing I am that fat, greedy, weak willed, stupid individual. And very unhappy. So I know I need to keep going to get to where I want to be so at least when I have to face the demon again I am doing so as a happy person who doesnt look in the mirror and cringe or see themselves side on and want to cry. In all honesty I know the best way to face it is 'fighting fit' and at a weight i feel happy with. I guess i just needed to write it here to acknowledge that this is now it for my life.

 Could you possibly all assist tidying the chairs up as you leave and no leaving coffee stains on the floor x